Recently I was shown by a friend a new way of communicating and have found it so hard to express my enthusiasm for this … I was struggling to write this passage for a month. I am not sure why. Maybe it is because even though “Non-Violent Communication” (NVC) is so simple and practical, I was afraid that I would present it to you in a theoretical and complex way. I finally decided to demonstrate NVC through the telling of a couple of true stories.
Imagine this, John returns from work and has the habit of throwing his clothes carelessly here and there on the floor or the furniture. This is permanently a source of conflict with Judy, who also works, but returns slightly earlier in time for some tidying up and cooking. In the quarreling scene, Judy accuses John that he is insensitive and lazy, whereas John criticizes Judy as being hyper-sensitive and that she brings her work problems at home. I am now wondering, what would it be like if they sat down over coffee, on a Sunday morning and both expressed their needs clearly and sincerely, relating to this daily habitual pattern with the aim of finding a solution that would be mutually satisfactory.
John could for instance say: “When I return from work I have the need to feel free, because in the office I feel great pressure and responsibility, so I express this by throwing away all my ‘weights’ (clothes) away”. Judy could say “well I feel that I am under pressure in work and that when I return, I have the need to feel that our house is in order and clean, so although I am also tired, I spend my time tidying up and cleaning our house. So when you come home and throw your clothes seemingly without thinking, I feel despair that you do not respect me or appreciate my efforts and I get very angry”.
A second short story… I was with a friend that I had not seen for a while and she started sharing with me her marital problems. She herself is a young working mum, her husband has a night job, working in a hotel and spends lots of hours with his colleagues, amongst which one is a woman. My friend is often in a bad mood and complains to her husband that he is unable to set limits in work. He accuses her of being jealous of his female colleague. So, I then asked her which specific need does she feel that is not satisfied? What does are her feelings when her husband is in work in the evenings? She spontaneously admitted that the time they spend as a couple has been greatly reduced. I then suggested that she tried telling her husband exactly this, without mentioning his female colleague. Next without demanding, to ask him if they could find a solution so that they satisfy her need. I also added that it would be very useful information for her, if she in turn asked him whether there was a need that he wished to be covered or something he wished to express about their relationship … She seemed to like the idea and told me she had already started to feel a relief.
So what often happens during heated communications, is that we confuse the trigger of our anger with its cause, and get angry with the person that triggered us, whereas it is not her/his fault. In actual fact, it is no one’s fault, because what angers us is not a person, not even our self, but the lack of satisfaction for one of our needs. Many times we are not aware that we have this need or that it remains unsatisfied, so lacking its awareness, the need lingers within us and “cries”, just like a deserted child. And as if this was not enough, we accuse the other for making us angry, so the criticism and the accusations lessen even further our chances of being heard and the other person feeling they might wish to fulfill our need. In this way a vicious circle is created, with no beginning nor end.
The language of criticism (or language of logic and comparison) was named by the founder of NVC, Marshall Rosenberg, as the “language of the jackal”. This language we were taught thousands of years ago here in the West, and we still continue to be taught it through television, social media and of course through our schooling systems. We are being raised in a society where all is measured and compared: there are numbers and hierarchy everywhere, … “you are the top pupil in class, because your marks were higher than mine”, “you are younger, so you need to respect the ones older than you”, … “you have studied for more years than I, so you are better educated than me” … “you have one thousand olive trees, so you are a real farmer compared to me who has none”… “you have a jeep, so you must most certainly be richer than me”. There are opposites everywhere: right … wrong, good … bad, beautiful … ugly, moral …immoral, love …hate (?).
To compare and to criticize is what in most cases has been our schooling. This is also connected however to individual differences in perception of the world and in life values. So, the comparisons we make, are vastly subjective. As we may have noticed, criticism creates feelings of guilt, shame and many other wounds that drain us from the joy of life, like for example when a parent tells off a child: “Say you’re sorry … I can’t see you’re really sorry!! Say it!!!” …
On the exact opposite side of this set up, there is the “language of the giraffe”, the language of the heart that uses the voice of our real, deeper needs, creating corresponding emotions. The key is to be conscious of what we need and to express it clearly. As also, to be able to identify and put a name to what it is we are feeling at any given moment. In a sense, to speak “giraffe language” we need to continually be in a mindful state and very honest with ourselves and others. In Non-Violent Communication, there is only room for our own Truth.
Having been introduced to NVC, I am very excited because I can see that in order to learn it, I first need to “unlearn” quite a few of my habitual patterns. This is a learning experience. I personally, welcome these opportunities, especially when learning involves learning about myself! It may sound egocentric to some, but I wonder and ask: How can I truly, unconditionally love others, if I don’t love myself in the first place? And how can I love myself if I don’t know myself? If I don’t know my needs? If I don’t know exactly what am I feeling?
There is one more point about NVC which may seem a detail but is in my opinion an absolutely necessary ingredient for its recipe of success, and that has to do with the way we ask the other person for our need to be met. This needs to be asked as a request and not as a demand. In a request we are prepared for the possibility of the other person to turn it down …
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A great wealth of material is available online through the Centre of Non Violent Communication website (www.cnvc.org) whose founder was Marshall Rosenberg. There you will be able to find a list of needs and emotions, that can be a great starting point for novices like myself. I wish to end this article by thanking my friend Michalis for sharing the practice of NVC with me, and in turn with all of you here!
May our real, warmer, more humane nature come to the surface!
Alexia Mary Tzortzaki (47). Her belief being: “Let I be the change I wish to see in my own micro-cosmos”, email: iris@artofjoy.gr
… and a little note about the peacock in the photo, who sat without complaining for ten whole minutes to be photographed at his home in the Palace of Knossos in Crete. Maybe after all he was right! He is indeed very beautiful!